Sometimes in life we come across people that make us believe we are incapable of a great dream or idea that we have for ourselves. I refer to these certain individuals are "dream crushers." These dream crushers will even steal your own idea. This is unacceptable.
For example: You tell a friend, "Hey, I really want to create a business." You're beaming from ear to ear because you believe in your dream, and you can almost taste the completion of your prized task.
In response the person says, "Really? (in a sarcastic tone) I guess. We'll see." These individuals are not your friends and they don't wish you well. That response is placing doubt on you and discouraging you from achieving your goal. Your friends are the people that you trust and confide in the most.
Real friends will celebrate your ideas, accomplishments, and dreams. Yes, no matter how crazy it may seem real friends will be supportive, as long as it doesn't harm anyone. I recently heard from someone that friends aren't always meant to be in your life forever. Sometimes, friends are only intended to be in your life for a season, and that's ok.
If you have a dream or a goal, keep dreaming. No one can celebrate your dream better than you can, so go for it. If you have dream crushers in your life, it's time to say "bye, bye."
I keep hearing the term "open marriage" but what does that really mean? I guess from how its been explained the couple agrees to openly communicate with each other and have no secrets and no lies within the marriage. The other catch is that, if someone steps out of the marriage and cheats it's admissible to the couple. Sounds legit! I think that so many people cheat on their spouses and lie about it, so why not say to your lover "hey, if you're going to do it, please let me know." Ok, maybe that doesn't solve much of anything but it does allow couples to communicate without the fear.
Lets be honest with ourselves...
How many couples file for divorce immediately after hearing that their lover cheated? Most of the time they don't file for divorce. So, if a couple isn't going to get divorced based on cheating, doesn't it make more since to just put it on the table that cheating is not a deal breaker or possible reason for divorce or to break up?!?!
I'm talking about open marriages but honestly I assume that it's the same thing as being polyamorous; where the couple agrees that it is ok to bring someone else into their relationship. The difference in polyamorous relationships is that the couple isn't married. I actually know a couple who have agreed to this. They've been together for years and it seems to work for them. BTW, that interview is coming soon.
Several research indicates that open marriages have existed since the 70's. Well, that's noted research. I believe it probably existed before then. In fact, according to Wed MD ( a website that discusses health and sex) the term "open marriage" was first coined in 1972 by George and Nena O'Neill when they wrote a book titled, Open Marriage.
On the flip side...
Honestly though, is it realistic? I only ask because women and men naturally communicate differently. You know the saying based on John Gray's book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. What are the odds of a couple telling each other EVERY little detail? Although, it may be established in the beginning to openly communicate about desires, fantasies, and secrets, someone may still be deceptive in the marriage. I would love to interview a married couple and ask them more questions about this topic. I'm intrigued by it. I wonder what is the success rate of marriages that have an open agreement. Furthermore, how many couples are in open marriages? The article on Web MD states, that 4 to 9 percent of marriages in the United States probably have an open arrangement. I would predict more. Interested in hearing actual stats on this.
On the other hand, I know so many couples who are married and living a lie. I guess having an open marriage would alleviate a bit of the unhappiness. Seemingly, having an open marriage seems to work for several couples. Actress/Comedian Monique recently discussed her open marriage with her husband. She's received a lot of flak on it. I think that if it works for her then great, but maybe the grounds of her marriage should have been kept privately between her and her husband. Maybe she shouldn't tell that they have an open marriage because it's no one else's business, but then again she is bringing awareness to the topic.
Seems like in an open marriage, the husband is more prone to step out of the marriage since men have sex outside the relationship more than women (allegedly). Also, is there ever really a commitment in a open marriage? If someone is giving you permission to have sex, will you feel as though you've been granted a pass?
I've also heard situations where the woman is unsatisfied and the man allows her to step out. So, it isn't always about the man. But, does the relationship become unbalanced if one person has sex cheat while the other person doesn't? Maybe, Maybe not. Are human beings just greedy? is it a natural instinct to want to indulge in more? Maybe human beings aren't made to only have one lover, maybe we are. Or maybe, having an open marriage is being realistic with each other, so that the other person isn't blindsided.
All in all, I think that if a couple finds that a particular way (conventional or not) works for them then, so be it. Thoughts???
I use to hate the mention of Valentines Day. Walking into a store was like torture. Chocolate candy, heart shaped boxes, red roses, etc. But this year is different for me. I am going to embrace being single. I am going to embrace loving myself more. I will be my own valentine.
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm over wondering if someone will ask me out for V Day. Instead, I want to go out with my friends and have fun. Enjoy being 20 something. I want to flirt with guys, laugh, eat, drink, and be merry. All in good fun. Whatever happened to that? Whatever happened to people actually enjoying themselves and not caring so much about the title? I'm sick of titles!
I want to go out, have fun, wear a sexy red dress or maybe just a hot number with sexy red shoes. Sounds like a plan to me! Besides that, I'll be running in the Aloha Race the next morning, so my bedtime will be 9 pm Sunday night. I'll probably go out Saturday and celebrate. Monday I'll run in the race, and Tuesday I'll probably go and get a full body massage, I have a feeling that I'll need it after this race. This Valentines Day through out the title, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and have a great time!
I was talking to my friend "L Sexy" she goes by that because she's a boss. We were talking about our previous relationships and how even the guys we "dated" were no different from the "boyfriends."
"I don't think I'll ever call another dude my boyfriend," L Sexy declared.
I cracked up for a minuto at just the thought of her statement. But, it's so true! If you really think about the time that is wasted on meaningless relationships, you realize that labeling these guys is so not worth it. I told her that I'm going to copy her and follow her lead. I've probably had 4 undeserving guys in my life that were given the great opportunity of being called my boyfriend. At the end of the day I realize that, most of us are far too fabulous to waste our time.
My friend said from this point forward she's either single or married, and I couldn't agree more. Why should we waste our time? Being single is far better than getting caught up in emotions, feelings, or stressing over 'getting to know' someone. No one likes the introduction. It would be so much better if we could just speed past all of that.
I'm taking my friends advice and from this point forward every dude I date is 'my friend.' If it gets serious... I'm still single until there's a ring on my finger.
I am learning that people really shouldn't be personalized by labels. You recall me telling you about 'E'. He was the guy who I placed a million labels on in the beginning. I realize how unfair it is and one day I will stop, but until then there is one label that he deserves, and then I'll stop. His new label: Ignorant.
Finally, he calls me and gives me a reason other than "tired," "stressed" va-va bull... for his sudden "departure" AND "let's be friends," bullshit. His excuse, is based on religious factors. While I love God, and don't deny that, I am not extreme and find most extremist hypocritical. I pray, I love, I respect all religions, and people as they are.
With that said:
I don't live my life based on my religious upbringing. I am an individual and march to my own beat. But that's my opinion. Back to E. He says to me that we can't date, because he's religious blah-blah-blah. Shouldn't these things be stated in the beginning? So, let me get this straight, you can come over my house, kiss me, take me out on dates, eat my cooking, but you can't be in a relationship with me? OH, Ok, again why, because we don't believe in the exact same principles?
Side Note:
I don't fault him for wanting to be with someone who shares his beliefs, but I do hold him responsible for being misleading and not stating up front his religious convictions.
Our conversation went something like this...
E- Well didn't you use to live with your ex boyfriend.
Me- Yeah, but God isn't going to punish me for cohabiting.
Ugh, since when does my religion have anything to do with my lifestyle? I know many people who don't follow the guidelines of their religion, but it doesn't make them a bad person. It simply makes them a human being. The more I talked to him, I almost felt sorry for him. I felt sorry that he couldn't just live his life, date who he wanted to date, and stop putting so many "labels" on the people. I know, this coming from a girl who placed a million labels on him in the beginning. Guilty as charged!
Me- Why didn't you address this concern in the beginning?
E- Well we were just friends.
So sick and tired of people loosely using the term 'friends' because clearly there was an attraction and something more than friendship.
Me- When you said that you really, really, liked me while you were in my house, what was that about?
Side Note:
Did you think about religion then? I'm sure ya didn't. There is more to this story and more that I could say, but I won't. While I am pissed at the conversation between E and me, I refuse to degrade, be nasty, or classless.
E-I liked you as a friend, and when I saw that it was progressing into something else that's when I knew I had to cut it off.
I will never understand why I received a message through a social website and not a person to person conversation. But, maybe some questions are better left unanswered.
Again, he states that he would like to remain friends. Am I over reacting?
He was charming, attractive, intellectual. Honesty, open communication. I am a serial labeler at times.
He was just my type. I met E two months ago coming out of a business meeting. At first, I almost didn't notice him because I was busy yapping it up on my cellphone.
"You didn't notice me in the meeting?"
"No, sorry I didn't, you were inside?" I asked, immediately ending my phone conversation.
"Does the bus stop here?"
"Yes, I'm taking the same bus, we can ride together," he said.
That night, we rode the bus together and talked for nearly an hour. We talked about our aspirations, goals, and just general things about ourselves.
He told me that he was leaving in a few months for med school. He asked me several times throughout our conversation if this was a problem. I didn't see it as a problem. I believe that if you like a person in the end things are always worked out. Maybe that should have been a sign, but at the time, it wasn't.
Over the next month, we hung out and had a great time together. Everything appeared to be going well. Our first date he prayed over our food. A man that believes in God, is extremely attractive.
In the beginning of dating, we discussed how we mutually had feelings for each other.
"I really like you," he told me several times.
I felt the same for him. Although, it was such a short amount of time, it seemed like things couldn't have been better.
Our final date, he came over my house. It wasn't his first time over. We laughed, talked, kissed-- the chemistry didn't seem any different from the first time we met. As the passion intensified between us, I told him to slow down. It didn't seem like the right time to have sex. He said that my decision was respected and that there was no pressure. The night ended with a kiss.
The next day, he didn't call or text. Generally, I'll wait and wait to receive a call, but it's hard for me to break down and call.
Sometimes, rules are made to be broken. I broke my rule. I called him. He didn't answer. I left a message. He didn't return my call.
The next day, I finally received a text.
"Tired, exhausted, heading home," he said.
Had he forgotten about the plans that we made? He was supposed to come over.
"Cool, I understand. Are you stopping by later?"
"No thank you," he said.
I felt humiliated. First off, who responds by saying, "No thank you?"
I read the book, I saw the movie, so I was beginning to realize 'He just wasn't that into me.' But, I couldn't understand why? If everything was going so well, how could things change so easily?
Three days later, we encountered each other at a business meeting. He said hello, but it was an awkward 'hello.' Not the... I'm so happy to see you, Hello, but the kind of hello like he was forcing himself. I felt sick to my stomach.
That night, I returned home, and immediately jumped on the internet. Natural habit. I had a message. It was from E.
"I do enjoy spending time with you; however, I don't want a relationship. My decision is based on several factors. I hope we can continue to be friends."
I felt insulted. And again, Humiliated. Why couldn't he tell me that via telephone, in person, or better yet, in the beginning.
Two weeks later.
He contacted me. He Called. Doesn't want things to be weird between us. Um, OK. He was tired, blah, blah... He apologizes.
I saw E after his call, but there hasn't been any contact since.
Lesson learned: Never place labels on a man who clearly has no intentions on being personalized.
I received a text message from a good friend the other day who was stressed over her big move coming up in March.
Her message:
"I'm so stressed out about moving in with my friend in March."
"Why?" I asked her.
"Well, she has kids."
"I wouldn't do it," I told her.
Typically, I don't like to respond to people with "I wouldn't" or "If I were you," because I hate those responses. I find it annoying and a complete disregard for the person's emotions (that's the future psychologist talking) however, I seriously wouldn't do it!
There is no way a fabulous 20-something woman should give up her freedom. In my eyes it's like signing over your legal rights. Don't get me wrong, I love children, but living with them is not an option. Lifestyle wise and for sanity purposes.
"How old are they?"
"Their 6 and 7," she responded.
The fact that the kids are 6 and 7 makes me nervous. In my head, I picture a scene from Yours Mine and Ours or whatever that movie was called with Dennis Quaid. Food flying, kids screaming, sleep being disturbed, yeah, it's not the business.
"The problem living with kids is that you won't have any privacy, and probably won't get a lot of rest. Think about it before you do it. Don't move from one situation to another situation that's far worse," I told her.
If she could see my face, she would know that I was cringing the entire time that I was typing that message. NO DON'T DO IT!!!!! I wanted to beam warning signs to her with a laser gun. Do you think it would have helped?
"You can't find a roommate who doesn't have kids? Why are you stressed out about the situation?" I continued to ask more questions.
"I don't know how to tell her," she said.
"Damn chica. That's a difficult one because either way she's going to be upset that you agreed. But a single girl living with a woman with kids is never a good situation."
I forgot to mention that, the woman she's thinking about moving in with is in her early 30's. I'm sure she's probably cool, and tons of fun. She probably use to get it back in her day. Haha, I say that like she's a lot older than my age group. She's not, but we all know two children and single is no joke. She probably has to sacrifice much of her freedom.
My advice to my friend was not to do it. That's the only advice that I could give.
What should my friend do? And, how does she break it to the potential roommate that she's no longer interested without hurting her feelings?
I absolutely love this movie. I was probably 6 when I saw this movie. I cried and cried and cried. It was so sad when Hillary Whitney, played by Barbara Hershey died. Also, Wind Beneath my Wings is my favorite song. So touching! This film to me is one of the best movies about friendship and loyalty. Never underestimate true friendship.
